My experience of meeting loneliness.

A lot of my young life I experienced being alone. I was, however, one of the popular and funny guys amongst my peers. Now, this is not to begin my story by telling you that I am different than you, no, it is an introduction to the familiarity that most of us have with all those around us, yet we have inside us a lonely feeling, nay, a loneliness that can only be understood by us who have shaken hands with this feeling. Those who are or have been lonely (to the most part), believe that inside we are needing to improve ourselves to be liked to be popular. But you know, its not like that at all, is it? Feeling lonely is a moment. Loneliness is a torture, and it builds upon itself until a person can drag themselves down to a dark place where they then let no-one in, lock the doors to everyone and every experience. So many factors come in here that are individual. So much difference is there that we cannot make a judgement on how to help people in the general sense. Every individual has different needs, no matter how slight they may be, they are important to that person.

I am writing here as if I am an expert on the subject. But the truth is that I am not. The full truth is that I have experienced loneliness once in my life. A deep prolonged loneliness that, after forty years, still carries a pain that makes my heart hurt and my breath stiff in my lungs: This is my story and is not in any way the general experience, or does it answer all things to help everyone, simply a small example to perhaps help.

I was living alone and had been from the time I left home at nineteen. A choice of my own to find independence, to escape circumstances I believed were harmful to me. My sexuality had a big chunk of that decision, but it also needed me to belong elsewhere, where I could grow as a person. My working-class background needed added to, a furtherance of life, if you will.

After several years of dedicated study ( and being alone), I eventually became comfortable with my new surroundings. I gained more professional rewards and had my own apartment. I had plenty of people to call on, and did, through drinking and parties. And all this time, whilst having found my feet, having a steady income and pension plan, I was the loneliest boy in the world. And even above all of this I knew my life, comfortable as it was in lifestyle, I needed to change to be true to myself. I was a tortured soul who in the nineteen eighties, was a criminal. I was Gay. I was living a lie, albeit justified at that time. I was so, so lonely that I cried myself wretched nightly. From a certain point of time I made a decision that could end everything with everyone I knew. I had to be truthful to myself and openly admit to my loved-ones that I was never likely to marry a woman. Needless to say I stopped going out and drinking in groups. I sought out a partner to find love. I had little hope on this as I felt I was not attractive enough to be loved but needed to plod on and try. It was so difficult, so hurting every moment that I could easily have gone back to my easier life of lies where the status quo would have been kept. But you know, not for a second did I hesitate, doubt-filled that I was, the depth of pain being so deep. I yearned to leave myself behind and prayed to anyone in the ether to help me. I’m sure you who have been here understand. It was torture, through-and-through.  Long story short – I met someone and loneliness was left behind. 

 That was a long, long time ago now and I am still with the same man. We are married now and quite old -  still love one another just the same as those halcyon days of our youth. Its been a wonderfully fulfilling journey. Yes, we suffered greatly for who we are, we even endured when we decided to buy a house openly (without saying a word or any show of affection), hatred for sixteen years. Open hostility and broken windows throughout that time, and a few mental breakdowns later, we are still here. We knew there was nowhere else to go and friends were made and lost. But the truth is that I am opening myself up to you, the reader, to tell you there is a great journey to be forged. No matter who you are, no matter your circumstances and difficulties in life, you can get to where you need to be. There is always a way. And through it all, as you suffer, you learn. Your empathy through all your experiences can help others in need when you are ready to give of yourself. In spirit, service and love are the greatest gifts you can give. My story is short in my loneliness tale, but I have never felt such a deep empathy for those who are lonely. You, my friend, believe (and for that time it is true), that you are the only person in the world who is feeling so bad in your thoughts. My wishes are only good that things become better for you in the near future.

I would ask for your experiences so that others might be assisted in their easement from their suffering this terrible time in their lives.

As a last point on this subject. One can feel loneliness for a moment,  a day a month or throughout life. I will never know why this is for you, but know that, even unknown to me, I love you, you are loved.

From the web: 

In everyday conversation, the terms lonely and alone are often seen as interchangeable terms. But these two terms actually mean something different in regards to behavioural health. For good physical and mental health, it is important to understand the difference between these two terms.

Isolated & Unhappy?

For many people in the, the concept of being alone can carry a negative connotation. The idea of a loner has a social stigma that implies that one is isolated, an outsider or even dangerous. The existence is since as an involuntarily imposed state where people are not socially engaged. The quality of being alone can even imply that there is something actually wrong or defective with a person.

The term loneliness implies that people are unhappy with their current condition. People are searching for something that they need. For some individuals, the loneliness is like a chronic condition where their own company is not enough. In fact, spending time alone may produce feelings of anxiety, panic attacks and depression.

For many individuals, the perceived solution to this problem is to make sure they are always in the company of another person. Other solutions involve the use of alcohol or drugs to numb the feelings of loneliness.

Experiencing Pain or Being Alone:

Surprisingly, researchers have discovered that a significate percent of people would prefer to experience an electric shock than spend time alone with their thoughts. The study was conducted by psychologists from the University of Virginia and Harvard University.

In the study, the amount of time that participants were alone with their own thoughts ranged from six to 15 minutes. Many of the first studies involved college student participants, most of whom reported that the alone time was not very enjoyable and that it was hard to concentrate. Interestingly, additional studies conducted with participants from a broad selection of backgrounds, ranging in age from 18 to 77, and found very similar results.

Surprisingly, even older people did not show any particular fondness for being alone with only their thoughts and feelings. Overall, people did not enjoy spending time, even for brief periods, alone in a room with nothing to do but think, reflect or daydream.

Instead, participants in the experiments enjoyed engaging in external activities such as listening to music, using a smartphone or giving themselves mild electric shocks. In fact, 67 percent of men, and 25 percent of women chose to shock themselves as a way to pass the time and avoid being alone with their own thoughts. Out of a series of 11 studies, the results seem to suggest that people are uncomfortable with being alone with their thoughts. In other words, doing almost anything is better than doing nothing.

Researchers wonder whether people’s connection to and heavy use of modern technology may have some influence on the results of the study. Perhaps, technology like smartphones and social media has trained people to shy away from just using their own thoughts to occupy themselves.

This does not necessarily mean that the fast pace of modern society, or the prevalence of readily available electronic devices, is causing this condition. Instead, researchers are suggesting that the devices are a response to people’s desire to always have something to do.

Spending Quality Time with Yourself:

It is important to distinguish between being alone and being lonely. A person can be alone, but not be lonely. It is helpful in this context to assign the proper terms to really understand these physical and emotional states. The ability to be alone, and be content, is a sign of personal growth and self-awareness.

When people are alone with their thoughts and feelings, they can develop a more holistic and grounded outlook on life. A task like this usually requires a fair amount of introspection which usually only occurs when one is alone. When done willingly from a healthy mindset, this alone time helps people become more introspective and think for themselves.

Often, people are easily swayed by the feelings, attitudes, and behavior of those they are with. The act being alone can push individuals to reflect and make better choices and decisions about who they are and what they want from life. Learning to be comfortable with yourself means being comfortable with being alone.

This does not mean that people should strive to live like a hermit. Isolation is not the goal. It is important that people have a good social support network. However, individuals need to have the ability to be alone with their own thoughts and feelings. People cannot possibly have a healthy relationship with others if they have not learned how to have a healthy relationship with themselves.

Individuals should realize that it is okay to be bored. If people never learn how to be alone, then there is the possibility that they will feel lonely. An over-dependence on other people can reduce a person’s independence and self-confidence. When people learn to accept and know themselves, they develop more awareness of how to create more healthy and sustainable relationships in the future.